Alternate McSweenys Titles Part 2

 

Please stop pointing out 

that we stole the 

election

 as it WILL ONLY 

FURTHER DIVIDE OUR NATION

by MIKE LANGLEY

Forget The Election

If you want some improbable (yet true, I swear) data, my last three runs on a certain 6.05 mile route are a good example.

I ran exactly (according to my Garmin) 50:51 each of the last three times.  And the thing of is that most of the time I run around 54 - 56 minutes for the route, so these are fast for me.

Now that I think of it, the speed may provide an answer:  Maybe, due to lack of the usual injuries, I've been running flat-out and 50:51 is more-or-less my limit.

Still seems as if there would be a few seconds of spread in there.

Why Was The Capitol Breached But Not The White House?

There are really only two explanations:  One is very tin-foil hat and the other disproves the media narrative.

First, the conspiracy explanation:  The Democrats wanted protesters to get into the Capitol as a way of taking the wind out of the very fishy election.  I think this is unlikely because, unhinged as they are, I do not (yet) think they are that evil.  But mostly, I don't think they have the physical bravery to take that sort of personal risk.

Second, while the media narrative is that leftist's protests are always peaceful or mostly peaceful, anything conservative is considered very threatening.  Remember the TEA party protests?  They were like geriatric garden parties but always described in the darkest terms.  What really happened is that everyone knows that conservative protests are peaceful.  So, when one turned out to be only mostly peaceful, the police presence was wholly inadequate.  

Contrast with protests outside the White House:  The mostly peaceful protests had left American cities shell-shocked, burned and boarded-up.  Of course the security outside the White House was tight.  It wasn't as if ANTIFA and BLM were Boy Scouts, security forces knew what they were facing and were prepared.